Marriage as Formation

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Marriage as Formation

"I marry in order to mature." .

In previous blog entries I've suggested that people marry for different reasons (duh) and that it can be helpful to understand how each of three core reasons might be effecting your marriage. In Marriage as Survival I point out that for most of human history people married to simply increase their chances of staying alive in a harsh world. I also note that although physical survival may not be an issue for most people in the USA, ego survival can be. In Marriage as Enrichment I contend that as people begin to overcome survival issues their attention moves to finding personal happiness. I'm defining the words "enrichment" and "happiness" in rather narcissistic terms here, meaning that this approach to to marriage is all about ME and what I get. . The formation model of marriage begins with the assumption that the purpose of my marriage is to confront me with my immaturities and weaknesses within a context of love and support. The goal is for my spouse and me to push each other to overcome limits on the way to becoming fully human. (While reading this sentence the movie Remember the Titans came to mind. The co-captains of the football team, one black and the other white, push through their conflicts with each other and their team mates as they demand what is best for the entire team.).

Of course, I realize that when I begin to toss phrases like "fully human" around, I'm just asking for trouble. The subject of what it means to be human will always be up for debate, and since I can't even get my wife to accept the possibility that I might always be right, I've had to get used to the fact that not everyone is going to agree with my definitions. Nonetheless, here's what fully human means to me:

Fully human means that I've transformed my anxiety and selfishness into the sacrificial love of others.

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I believe this definition is consistent with the most mature expressions of Christianity, as well as of all major religious traditions. These traditions all generally agree that none of us ever gets there. We just each have to decide if we're going to be on the journey.

Now, I often say to my clients things like, "Its a lot easier for me to describe what the proper path looks like than it is for me to actually walk that path!" Here's a made-up example that tries to get at the difficulties.

Susan loves the outdoors. She loves to work up a good sweat hiking along the trail to Lookout Point. Some of her holiest moments have occurred while gazing out over the river. She can't understand why anyone would choose to sit still, under a roof, when God's creation is here for the exploring.

Bob loves books. He rises early, makes his coffee, settles in to his favorite chair, and opens Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love. He's on his seventh trip through Nouwen's journal, and it still has the power stir him. He would swear that God reaches straight through the words on those pages and in to his soul.

Bob and Susan are married. .....Bob hates to sweat. ..........Susan hates to read.

Susan so wants Bob to hike with her. .....Bob so wants Susan to discuss Nouwen with him.

If Bob is maturing, he'll overcome his aversion to sweat and let Susan lead him out in to creation. If he's not maturing, he'll think things like, "I don't like to hike, so why should I?"

If Susan is maturing, she'll sit still while Bob reads to her a favorite paragraph from Nouwen. If she's not maturing, she'll think things like, "I don't like to sit and discuss, so why should I?"

Now keep in mind, Bob is not asking Susan to frequent strip clubs with him. And Susan isn't pestering Bob to take a risk and do some mushrooms with her. Each is asking the other to participate in something that we'd all agree is positive.

So why do you suppose they resist each other? .....So why do you suppose you resist your spouse?

Please offer your thoughts in the comments section below (and remember that you can use the "anonymous" option....)