Marriage as Formation

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Marriage as Formation

"I marry in order to mature." .

In previous blog entries I've suggested that people marry for different reasons (duh) and that it can be helpful to understand how each of three core reasons might be effecting your marriage. In Marriage as Survival I point out that for most of human history people married to simply increase their chances of staying alive in a harsh world. I also note that although physical survival may not be an issue for most people in the USA, ego survival can be. In Marriage as Enrichment I contend that as people begin to overcome survival issues their attention moves to finding personal happiness. I'm defining the words "enrichment" and "happiness" in rather narcissistic terms here, meaning that this approach to to marriage is all about ME and what I get. . The formation model of marriage begins with the assumption that the purpose of my marriage is to confront me with my immaturities and weaknesses within a context of love and support. The goal is for my spouse and me to push each other to overcome limits on the way to becoming fully human. (While reading this sentence the movie Remember the Titans came to mind. The co-captains of the football team, one black and the other white, push through their conflicts with each other and their team mates as they demand what is best for the entire team.).

Of course, I realize that when I begin to toss phrases like "fully human" around, I'm just asking for trouble. The subject of what it means to be human will always be up for debate, and since I can't even get my wife to accept the possibility that I might always be right, I've had to get used to the fact that not everyone is going to agree with my definitions. Nonetheless, here's what fully human means to me:

Fully human means that I've transformed my anxiety and selfishness into the sacrificial love of others.

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I believe this definition is consistent with the most mature expressions of Christianity, as well as of all major religious traditions. These traditions all generally agree that none of us ever gets there. We just each have to decide if we're going to be on the journey.

Now, I often say to my clients things like, "Its a lot easier for me to describe what the proper path looks like than it is for me to actually walk that path!" Here's a made-up example that tries to get at the difficulties.

Susan loves the outdoors. She loves to work up a good sweat hiking along the trail to Lookout Point. Some of her holiest moments have occurred while gazing out over the river. She can't understand why anyone would choose to sit still, under a roof, when God's creation is here for the exploring.

Bob loves books. He rises early, makes his coffee, settles in to his favorite chair, and opens Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love. He's on his seventh trip through Nouwen's journal, and it still has the power stir him. He would swear that God reaches straight through the words on those pages and in to his soul.

Bob and Susan are married. .....Bob hates to sweat. ..........Susan hates to read.

Susan so wants Bob to hike with her. .....Bob so wants Susan to discuss Nouwen with him.

If Bob is maturing, he'll overcome his aversion to sweat and let Susan lead him out in to creation. If he's not maturing, he'll think things like, "I don't like to hike, so why should I?"

If Susan is maturing, she'll sit still while Bob reads to her a favorite paragraph from Nouwen. If she's not maturing, she'll think things like, "I don't like to sit and discuss, so why should I?"

Now keep in mind, Bob is not asking Susan to frequent strip clubs with him. And Susan isn't pestering Bob to take a risk and do some mushrooms with her. Each is asking the other to participate in something that we'd all agree is positive.

So why do you suppose they resist each other? .....So why do you suppose you resist your spouse?

Please offer your thoughts in the comments section below (and remember that you can use the "anonymous" option....)

Marriage as Enrichment

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This entry is part of a series: Part one: Marriage as Survival, Enrichment, and/or Formation Part two: Marriage as Survival: I marry in order to stay alive.

Marriage as Personal Enrichment:

"I marry in order to be happier."

Most couples in America marry because they've found someone with whom they feel happy. We look down on anyone who might marry for practical reasons - security... status... beach house. The ideal is romance... and great sex.... lots of romance... and lots of great... you know.

There's nothing wrong with expecting a bit of happiness to infect one's marriage. We're designed to avoid abject misery if we can, and so it takes at least a few positive expectations to get us entangled in the whole mess in the first place. The problem occurs when we actually start to believe that happiness is the raison de plus of marriage (see Note 1).

As I noted in an earlier blog entry, there WAS a time when life, and therefore marriage, was all about survival. But with a certain amount of affluence these expectations change. Not since the Great Depression have Americans had to cope with survival issues en-masse. The second world war required a certain amount of sacrifice, but those of us born on the other side of that conflict have enjoyed an amazing level of affluence across the social spectrum. (see Note 2)

Since we don't have to worry about about survival, we worry about personal enrichment (see Note 3). And the All-American strategy for enrichment is consumption. (Is it just me, or are more and more commercials including some take on, "Buy our product so you can get the happiness you deserve.").

Happiness and consumption go together. I purchase a bike. If the bike works for me, then I'm happy. If it doesn't work for me, then I'm unhappy. I get another bike. If I can't afford to get another bike, then I'm REALLY unhappy.

I submit that the consumption = happiness paradigm infects marriage - usually in rather subconscious and sinister ways.

We marry someone with whom we feel happy, and we start consuming together... so we can feel... well... more happy. We choose a house to purchase because the house makes up happy. We have children because having children makes us happy. We even choose which religious groups to associate with based on how happy these groups "make" us. If I'm not happy, then I'm entitled to move on.

Of course, its just a matter of time until I discover that what makes ME happy isn't always exactly what makes my SPOUSE happy. I was a bit ambivalent about even having children when I got married. I think it was the week before the marriage that I discovered Holly's idea of happy was 14 children, 6 dogs, 4 cats, and a sugar-glider (we can discuss pre-marriage counseling in another blog...).

For marriage to work qqqqq I have to make adjustments.

qqqqqqqqqq I don't like to make adjustments.

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqq Adjustments make me.... unhappy

Marriage moves from being a source of personal enrichment... something that makes me happy, to something of a chore.

When the enrichment goals of marriage breakdown, couples do one of three things:

1. They divorce.
2. They settle in to a pseudo-marriage in which they turn away from the marriage for happiness.
3. They commit to a formation paradigm. (Sometimes referred to as "putting on one's big-boy pants.)

The formation model of marriage begins with the assumption that the purpose of my marriage is to confront me with my immaturities and weaknesses within a context of love and support. The goal is for my spouse and me to push each other to overcome limits on the way to becoming fully human, and for me to push my spouse towards the same.

I've come to believe that marriages fail because couples are unwilling or unable to move beyond an enrichment view of marriage to the formation view of marriage.

More about the formation approach to marriage in the next entry....

Questions for Reflection:

1. Do you ever feel as if your marriage is "consuming" you? Does your spouse ever express such sentiments?
2. How did you see the pursuit of personal enrichment effecting your parent's marriage?
3. What's the greatest sacrifice you've had to make for your marriage? Did it seem more like a choice, or more like an expectation?

_______________________ Note 1: raison de plus is French for "now somebody else will pick up my dirty clothes."

Note 2: Physical survival is an issue for some couples and families in our culture, but this is rarely true for couples who show up in a counselors office. Couples may feel like their survival is threatened, but this is often due to the avalanche of debt they have accumulated while acting out their sense of entitlement to have all the things they believe will make them happy. (I'm not talking about folks here who are dealing with horrendous debt due to medical issues or other sorts of unexpected difficulties. I believe there's plenty of evidence that, for most couples, self-inflicted financial stress is the main source of most of the discontent in the marriage).

Note 3: Some have commented that my use of the word "enrichment" here is a bit confusing... that desiring enrichment would seem to be a mature trait, while simply seeking happiness is rather immature (unless one is a committed hedonist). For now, though, I'm going to stick with this language, though I've added the modifier "personal" to underscore the self-centered nature of what I'm describing.