Marriage as Survival: I marry in order to stay alive.

This post is a continuation of thoughts I began to develop in posts on December 6 and 13 of last year (2007)

Are you aware of how your survival issues impact your marriage? For most of human history the main goal of marriage was survival. The survival of individuals, the survival of clans, the survival of empires. Marriages were, thus, arranged in order to address survival needs. Romance was a luxury of the elite and, even then, was something one got from a tryst, not from one's spouse. With affluence, survival needs fade in to the background. Or perhaps I should say that physical survival needs fade in to the background. No one in the USA has to marry in order to keep from starving. (Physical survival can still be in issue in marriages involving physical abuse, but that’s a different issue.) So, marriage may no longer be about physical survival, but it is definitely about emotional survival! And I THINK I'd say that these usually revolve around self-esteem needs, though I'd like to hear your point of view on this. Here's a list of some typical emotional survival needs that can get mixed up in the choice of a spouse:

• "I can't believe this former cheerleader is attracted to me!"
• "Finally, sex without guilt."
• "My family might be happy if I choose him."
• "I feel safe when I'm with her."
• "She really admires me!"
• "With my help he'll be successful (and then I'll feel successful)."

Most couples certainly come together based on the genuine and positive characteristics each sees in the other, but underneath the surface there is always a quiet negotiation around the issue of survival. A mature marriage emerges when each person identifies and takes responsibility for his or her survival needs. In a mature marriage, each person is committed to personal growth. In an immature marriage, each person is trying to find ways to get the other to meet his or her needs. In religious or spiritual language, this places marriage, potentially, in the category of "idolatry." An idol is anything to which we take our anxiety that has no power to heal our anxiety. Idols may have the power to soothe us or distract us, but they can never transform us. And if we are to give any credence to the great religious traditions of the world (not just Christianity), then we "know" that we are all idolaters. To be a bit transparent here, I've known for a long time that I have a deep need to be "seen" and admired. Put any personality inventory in front of me, and I'm going to score high on the narcissism scale. Its something that I joke about, but it has taken me years to realize what this emotional need of mine -- this idolatry -- has meant for my marriage. I've spent tremendous amounts of time learning what this means for me as a therapist, but not nearly enough time learning what it means for me as a husband. Consequently, I've made it very difficult for my wife to have a relationship with me. Rather than relating to my wife as the unique person that she is I've spent far too much time relating to her as though I'm entitled to have her admiration. It hasn't made for a particularly healthy connection. So, if you buy in to my assumptions, then most of us marry in order to find something that is missing within us. Its not just about that. The more mature a person, the more he or she is going to connect with another based on who the other actually is, but I assume that almost no one in the first half of life has reached that level of maturity. For most of us, marriage at least begins primarily as an idolatrous, survival oriented, experience. If you're marriage is less than satisfying to you, here's a few questions: 1. In what ways does your marriage kick up emotional survival issues for you? 2. In what ways have you taken responsibility for your own survival? 3. In what ways have you tried to make this your partner's fault? 4. What did you learn about marriage and survival from your parent's marriage?

A Quote from Gerald May

"This transformative process -- The freeing of love from attachment -- is akin to the ancient biblical concept of salvation. ... In contrast to life -denying asceticism that advocates freedom from desire, [Saint Teresa of Avila] and [Saint John of the Cross] see authentic transformation as leading to freedom for desire. For them, the essence of all human desire is love." Gerald May, The Dark Night of the Soul: A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth, 2004, p. 73 Sacrificial love -----is not something we achieve ----------on our own -----as if it were a college degree -----or a merit raise. Sacrificial love... -----it is patient ----------and kind. -----it knows no envy ----------nor pride, ---------------nor selfishness -----it is full of trust ----------and hope ----------and perseverance. We might taste it, -----but we cannot live it, ----------unless we are transformed. ----------unless our love is transformed, ---------------from a grasping --------------------clinging -------------------------demanding ------------------------------attachment to self, -----to a free-falling trust into the Ground of all True Love ----------who comes to us in the vulnerability of a little baby ----------and in the sorrow of shattered body, ---------------naked and bleeding, --------------------on a cross. No one lives this Love apart from transformation. wme

Marriage as Survival, Enrichment, and/or Formation

Every one knows the statistics: Half of all marriages end in divorce. Conclusion: Marriage is hard (Yes, I needed a Ph.D. to figure this out). Therapists basically know what happens when marriage fails. We know that some couples have no business getting married in the first place. We know that some couples do not have the resources or maturity to handle the inevitable stresses and strains of marriage when they arise. We know that some couples could, but are unwilling to do the work that marriage requires. John Gottman is probably the only marriage researcher out there who has developed anything approaching a scientific model for studying marriages, and he concludes that marriages fail because, when stress hits, friendship erodes and is replaced by either apathy or, worse, contempt. Many therapists have developed models for how to think about the erosion of this friendship (mine can be seen by clicking Alienation Cycle), but having a model and having a solution are two completely different things! Nonetheless, models DO generate ideas about how and when and where to intervene in this alienation cycle. Lately, the following idea has taken shape in my mind, and seems to have been of some help to the clients I've started discussing it with. I'd summarize it like this:

Most marriages in America fail because couples are

unable or unwilling to shift from a survival or enrichment

view of marriage to a formation view of marriage.

In my previous entry I described three core values that shape life: survival, enrichment, and/or formation. I also said that I believe a person's life will be fundamentally shaped by which of these three values he or she chooses to place at the center.

When I take this idea and apply it to marriage, I come up with three core reasons to be in a committed relationship:

1. Marriage as Survival - I marry in order to survive.
2. Marriage as Enrichment - I marry in order to be happy.
3. Marriage as Formation - I marry in order to mature.

I'll be using my next three entries to say a bit more about each of these.

Survival, Enrichment, and Formation

A few more ideas on how we develop into mature humans have been taking shape for me.... Its generally accepted that we develop in all areas of life. All this means is that we do not start out growed up. Certain things have to happen for us to get there. It is also generally accepted that a part of development is natural, which is to say that it sort of occurs on its own. For example, once a baby is born, the brain starts to develop so that, over time, a child is able to learn language, math, etc... The other part of development, however, is what I would refer to as intentional. By this I mean that there are certain choices that a person has to intentionally make if he is going to mature. For example, a person must decide if she is going to pursue professional goals by stepping on whomever gets in her way, or if she is going to pursue success while taking into consideration the needs of those around her. This is a choice. Recently is has become clearer to me that individuals must choose whether or not they are going to live according to one of these three core values: - survival: My goal is to keep myself alive. - enrichment: My goal is to be happy. - formation: My goal is to be mature. Everything is ALWAYS a lot more complicated that a few pithy ideas can convey, but I am seeing more clearly that my clients are almost all wrestling with which of these three core values to intentionally choose. There's no question that the ways in which one deals with life will virtually be determined by this choice.

Ethics and Anxiety

I've been asked to teach an ethics seminar in the Spring to our local chapter of the Texas Counseling Association. The subject of ethics generally annoys me. I realize this could be due to my own lack of ethics, but I actually think its more because I believe that the whole subject of ethics within professional organizations has been highjacked by anxiety.

For myself, ethical behavior is to be defined by two broad principles.

1. I must never use the natural power differential in my relationship to a client for personal advantage.
2. An effective therapy relationship is redemptive for the client.

These principals, like all principals, require that the clinician be quite mature and exercise careful judgment. However, as Jesus pointed out on more than a few occasions, we humans don't like principals. They make us anxious. We prefer rules. Rules are much safer.

So, ethics boards, at least therapy ethics boards come up with rules like, "No dual relationships." This means that I'm not supposed to be a therapist for, say, my proctologist. The fear is that I, as a therapist, MIGHT be tempted to parlay my special relationship with this good doctor into a FREE PROCTOLOGY EXAM!

Now, there's no doubt that clinicians have fallen prey to such temptations. I suspect that its been more common for a clinician to get an extra good deal from a client who is a car salesman that from said medical expert, but you get my point.

Well, this sort of stuff makes ethics boards anxious, and so rules are produced... like...

• Since there are a few idiotic and unethical clinicians among us who abuse client relationships, we're going to decide that all of you don't have enough sense to use good judgement.

Because I DO happen to be a reactive, narcsissitic maverick who tends to think that rules are for everyone else, I figure I need to see if there is hard research other there that actually speaks to the validity of the sort of ethics dictums that are common. I've done some initial research on my own. I can't find anything.

So, if you know of research - good scientific method type research - related to these concerns, would you please make note of that in the comments section?

Redemptive Confrontation

Two friends have "confronted" me concerning something I had written that they both found troubling and offensive. They each took the risk of being very direct and honest with me about it. In considering what they had to say, I had to conclude they were right.

I draw attention to it here because it seems so rare that people are willing to express love in this way. So often we use the excuse of not wanting to offend to justify a lack of full honesty. When we do so, we put a lid on the potential for that relationship.

Of course, sometimes I have been confronted over an issue, and I've disagreed with the person's point of view. This situation challenges the relationship in an additional way, but also offers an additional avenue to intimacy. At times like that, I try to say something like, "I'm so grateful that you've brought this up with me, but, if I'm honest, I've got to say that I think you are wrong on this one. But I also want to make sure I'm understanding you right..."

Redemptive confrontation can be so hard to develop, but its one of the best ways to assess who your best friends are, or determine the health of your marriage. Any relationshp that can handle RD, is a good relationship.

And to the friends who spawned these thoughts.... Thank you again.

A few resources that might interest you...

The Precarious Present is a fascinating article on trauma by Dr. Robert Scaer MoodGYM is a free online program to help persons address depression and anxiety by identifying and changing negative thinking patterns. MoodGym is based on the priciples of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Unconditional Love is an episode of This American Life. The bi-line for this program is: "Stories of unconditional love between parents and children, and how hard love can sometimes be in daily practice"

50 Things Project: Ready for Field Testing

You still with me?

DOWNLOAD A PDF COPY OF THE INVENTORY HERE.

TAKES ABOUT AN HOUR: Holly and I sat down and went through the inventory. It took us about 15 minutes to take it, and then we spent another 35 or 40 minutes going over it (which involved a lot of laughter and comments like, "Oh my gosh.... I didn't even THINK of that!!!") She scored 117 on what she knows about me. I scored 109 on what I know about her. This gave us a total score of 226.

ARE THERE 50+ COUPLES OUT THERE WHO WILL TAKE IT? I'm thinking that if at least 50 couples will go through this and let me know their scores, then I'll know... I'll know... heck... I don't know what I'll know. But I'm pretty sure I'll be able to tell something. Would you please forward this to other couples whom you think might get a kick out of it?

IF YOU'RE WILLING TO KEEP PLAYING IN THIS SANDBOX, HERE'S WHAT I NEED FOR YOU TO DO:

1. Download and print two copies of the inventory (one for you and one for your spouse or significant other.
2. Fill it out and score it.
3. Report your scores in the comment section of this blog (PLEASE NOTE: I've changed my settings so You don't have to have a google account to leave comments, and you can leave comment anonymously.)
4. If you are willing, would you also rate your marital satisfaction on a scale of 1 to 10? (1 = I'd rather be force-fed twinkies than spend another day with this person . 10 = Heaven couldn't possibly be better than my marriage)
5. Leave any comments and suggestions regarding what it was like to actually take the inventory.

Here's how to report in order to make it most useful to me:

• His score = 110
• Her score = 127
• Total score = 237
• Marital Satisfaction = 7
• Comments: Sometimes we had to admit that the other's answer was more right about us than what we thought about ourselves (and we gave 3 points for the answer). Sometimes we had trouble coming up with the correct answer about ourselves.

Thanks for hanging in with me on this!

P.S. Them danged flowers are back... why doesn't the outline/bullets feature work? Its shows up correctly when I'm writing....

50 Things You Should Know about Your Spouse: Next Step

I'M SURPRISED! I GOT TONS OF SUGGESTIONS. THANK YOU SO MUCH! This "inventory" has been developed by ignoring virtually all rules regarding proper scientific research and methodology. In other words, I got all your great suggestions, picked the ones I really liked, and dumped the others. However, I don't mean to suggest that I had no semi-objective criteria. I wanted questions that would be simple to answer with a word or phrase, and that could at be generally seen as some indicator of how well a person knows his or her spouse. A perfect example is: "What is your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream?" I wouldn't want to suggest that some of you had a little bit of trouble catching this wave, but, for example, the following question really didn't fit: Can you name your spouse's three favorite existential theologians (other an Kierkegaard) and briefly describe each one's key contribution to your spouse's world view? My current list is below, and its still got two questions too many on it. If you would, could you please click on the "Comment" link below and tell me which two you'd discard? I'm also willing for you to make the case for some question you suggested that didn't make the cut (but odds are I'm too insecure to actually admit that you are right and I made a mistake.) I want to note that several of you made reference to the Chapman's Five Love Languages stuff, but I didn't include any of those since many people would not be familiar with that material. Here's da list.... 1. What is your spouse's social security number? 2. In what city was your spouse born? 3. What is your spouse's blood type? 4. What does your spouse feel is his or her greatest personal strength? 5. What is your spouse’s favorite food or meal? 6. What is his/her favorite dessert? 7. What's your spouse's typical position for sleep (left side, right side, back)? 8. What is your spouse’s favorite pastime activity or favorite hobby? 9. If your spouse had the job of his/her dreams, what would it be? 10. Where is your spouse’s favorite vacation spot? 11. What is your spouse’s political affiliation? 12. What was your spouse’s favorite childhood pet? 13. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in high school? 14. How many times per month would your spouse like to have sex? 15. What make & model, and color was your spouse’s first car? 16. What was your spouse’s first job? 17. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in college? 18. What is your spouse's mother's maiden name? 19. What is your spouse's all-time favorite film? 20. What would your spouse say is your most annoying habit? 21. If your spouse could be any celebrity, who would he or she want to be? 22. If your spouse could simply wake-up in any part of the world and enjoy a week of exploring, what location would it be (travel cost and time being no object)? 23. Who is your spouse's current best friend? 24. What is your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream? 25. What is your spouse's shoe size? 26. What is your spouse's waist size? 27. What is your spouse's favorite restaurant? 28. Who is your spouse's favorite musician at the moment? 29. What are your spouse's parents full names? 30. If your spouse could change professions, what would he/she choose (money being no object)? 31. What household chore does your spouse most despise? 32. What is your spouses cell phone number? 33. How many bones has your spouse broken? 34. Does your spouse have tonsils? 35. How many jobs has your spouse had since graduation from college? 36. Has your spouse ever had a nickname? If so, what was/is it? 37. To which of your spouse's family members is he/she closest? 38. What "hurt" from the past has your spouse struggled most to overcome? 39. Does your spouse prefer the toilet paper unroll from the top, or the bottom? 40. How many children did your spouse want to have when you got married? 41. How would my spouse most wish to spend time as a family? 42. What book is your spouse currently reading? 43. What is your spouse’s favorite way to wind down after a stressful day? 44. How much money does your spouse need to have in savings to feel financially responsible? 45. What is your partner's favorite pizza topping? 46. What day of the week did you meet your spouse? 47. What single word would your spouse use to describe you? 48. What perfume/scent does your spouse like YOU to use? 49. What is your spouse's favorite movie? 50. What is your spouse's favorite sexual position? 51. How long would your spouse say "foreplay" should last? (answer in minutes, not seconds). 52. What, if any, musical instrument(s) has your spouse played?

THE 50 Things "You Should Know about Your Spouse" PROJECT

One of the ways I keep myself in a chronic state of low grade anxiety is by keeping a number of half-baked ideas on the back burner (odd metaphor mix?). These ideas are spread all over my computer hard-drive, and when I come across them I think, "I gotta do something with that!" followed immediately by, "I don't have time to do anything with that!" You know the drill. However, it dawned on me that you might be able to help me with this one... I've always thought it would be interesting to have a list of, say, 50 questions that a spouse ought to be able to answer about his or her partner if they know each other well. Anyone who does marriage counseling can tell you that couples who are not doing well often complain of not being "seen" or "known" by their spouses. I've wondered if it would be possible to establish a correlation between satisfaction in marriage and one's basic info about one's spouse (HINT HINT... Anyone looking for a Master's thesis topic?). For now, I'm just trying to build said list of questions. The following list comes mostly from me, with additions by some friends. But I need your help with it. My idea of a great question is one that is very simple to answer in a word or two (What is your spouses's favorite color? What was the name of your spouse's most significant relationship prior to you?) Some of the questions on this list don't fit that criteria. WOULD YOU SEND ME YOUR IDEAS???? Just email them to me at wmeades@gmail.com, or post them in the comments section of the blog. Also, if you have a sick sense of humor, like me, then you might want to send along some questions that you think would go well on the "Items that didn't make it" list (i.e., What is your spouses favorite prison? How many DWIs has your spouse beaten? ) Here's the list as it currently stands:

1. What is your spouse's social security number?
2. In what city was your spouse born?
3. What is your spouse's blood type?
4. What does your spouse feel is his or her greatest personal strength?
5. What is your spouse's earliest childhood memory?
6. Which celebrity does your spouse find most attractive?
7. What was the most meaningful gift your spouse ever received?
8. What is the most outrageous, out of character thing your spouse has ever done?
9. What food does your spouse absolutely hate?
10. What is your spouse’s favorite food or meal?
11. What is his/her favorite dessert?
12. What's your spouse's typical position for sleep (left side, right side, back)?
13. What is your spouse’s favorite pastime activity or favorite hobby?
14. If your spouse had the job of his/her dreams, what would it be?
15. Where is your spouse’s favorite vacation spot?
16. What is your spouse’s political affiliation?
17. What is your spouse’s primary task at his or her job?
18. Which sock does your spouse put on first?
19. Would your spouse say he/she is more like his/her mother or his/her father?
20. What was your spouse’s favorite childhood pet?
21. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in high school?
22. Does/Did your spouse have any odd or funny nicknames?
23. What dates does your spouse remember best?
24. How many times per month would your spouse like to have sex?
25. What make & model was your spouse’s first car?
26. What color was your spouse’s first car?
27. What was your spouse’s first job?
28. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in college?
29. What is your spouse's mother's maiden name?
30. What is your spouse's most enjoyable vacation activity?
31. What colleges did your spouse apply to other than the one he/she attended?
32. What is your spouse's most disturbing recurring dream (or nightmare)?
33. What is your spouse's all-time favorite film?
34. What is your spouse's most decadent fantasy?
35. What part of your spouse's body who he or she say is the his/her most attractive feature?
36. What is the one thing that your spouse does that annoys you the most?
37. Could your spouse deal with it if all you could do was cuddle?
38. How would your spouse describe his or her most pressing sexual frustration?
39. What is your spouse's most attainable secret desire or goal?
40. If your spouse could be any celebrity, who would he or she want to be?
41. If your spouse could simply wake-up in any part of the world and enjoy a week of exploring, what location would it be (travel cost and time being no object)?

CAN YOU HELP ME WITH A FEW MORE? I'll post the results right here...

P.S. Can anyone explain why, when I publish this post, that the numbers on the list are replaced by them little flowers?

First Time Blogging (and who should care?)

I've never done the "blogging" thang before, but in order to bolster my delusion that I'm actually a 25 year old in a 51 year old body, I figured I better get on the bus. I HAVE, however, been sending out a sporadic e-newsletter for a while as a way of trying to keep my butt in gear towards writing a book. The working title of that project is When Faith Doesn't Work: Practical Strategies for the Journey. If you care to see what I'm doing with it, you can read the initial essays HERE. I believe I'm going to continue the process via this blog, since its just a lot more convenient than putting together a newsletter! I also think I'll continue to use the balance of my ConstantContact subscription to send out monthly notices about blog updates and whatnot. If you'd like to be on the list, please subscribe by clicking HERE. Thanks for coming along for the ride.