Marriage as Survival: I marry in order to stay alive.

This post is a continuation of thoughts I began to develop in posts on December 6 and 13 of last year (2007)

Are you aware of how your survival issues impact your marriage? For most of human history the main goal of marriage was survival. The survival of individuals, the survival of clans, the survival of empires. Marriages were, thus, arranged in order to address survival needs. Romance was a luxury of the elite and, even then, was something one got from a tryst, not from one's spouse. With affluence, survival needs fade in to the background. Or perhaps I should say that physical survival needs fade in to the background. No one in the USA has to marry in order to keep from starving. (Physical survival can still be in issue in marriages involving physical abuse, but that’s a different issue.) So, marriage may no longer be about physical survival, but it is definitely about emotional survival! And I THINK I'd say that these usually revolve around self-esteem needs, though I'd like to hear your point of view on this. Here's a list of some typical emotional survival needs that can get mixed up in the choice of a spouse:

• "I can't believe this former cheerleader is attracted to me!"
• "Finally, sex without guilt."
• "My family might be happy if I choose him."
• "I feel safe when I'm with her."
• "She really admires me!"
• "With my help he'll be successful (and then I'll feel successful)."

Most couples certainly come together based on the genuine and positive characteristics each sees in the other, but underneath the surface there is always a quiet negotiation around the issue of survival. A mature marriage emerges when each person identifies and takes responsibility for his or her survival needs. In a mature marriage, each person is committed to personal growth. In an immature marriage, each person is trying to find ways to get the other to meet his or her needs. In religious or spiritual language, this places marriage, potentially, in the category of "idolatry." An idol is anything to which we take our anxiety that has no power to heal our anxiety. Idols may have the power to soothe us or distract us, but they can never transform us. And if we are to give any credence to the great religious traditions of the world (not just Christianity), then we "know" that we are all idolaters. To be a bit transparent here, I've known for a long time that I have a deep need to be "seen" and admired. Put any personality inventory in front of me, and I'm going to score high on the narcissism scale. Its something that I joke about, but it has taken me years to realize what this emotional need of mine -- this idolatry -- has meant for my marriage. I've spent tremendous amounts of time learning what this means for me as a therapist, but not nearly enough time learning what it means for me as a husband. Consequently, I've made it very difficult for my wife to have a relationship with me. Rather than relating to my wife as the unique person that she is I've spent far too much time relating to her as though I'm entitled to have her admiration. It hasn't made for a particularly healthy connection. So, if you buy in to my assumptions, then most of us marry in order to find something that is missing within us. Its not just about that. The more mature a person, the more he or she is going to connect with another based on who the other actually is, but I assume that almost no one in the first half of life has reached that level of maturity. For most of us, marriage at least begins primarily as an idolatrous, survival oriented, experience. If you're marriage is less than satisfying to you, here's a few questions: 1. In what ways does your marriage kick up emotional survival issues for you? 2. In what ways have you taken responsibility for your own survival? 3. In what ways have you tried to make this your partner's fault? 4. What did you learn about marriage and survival from your parent's marriage?

A Quote from Gerald May

"This transformative process -- The freeing of love from attachment -- is akin to the ancient biblical concept of salvation. ... In contrast to life -denying asceticism that advocates freedom from desire, [Saint Teresa of Avila] and [Saint John of the Cross] see authentic transformation as leading to freedom for desire. For them, the essence of all human desire is love." Gerald May, The Dark Night of the Soul: A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth, 2004, p. 73 Sacrificial love -----is not something we achieve ----------on our own -----as if it were a college degree -----or a merit raise. Sacrificial love... -----it is patient ----------and kind. -----it knows no envy ----------nor pride, ---------------nor selfishness -----it is full of trust ----------and hope ----------and perseverance. We might taste it, -----but we cannot live it, ----------unless we are transformed. ----------unless our love is transformed, ---------------from a grasping --------------------clinging -------------------------demanding ------------------------------attachment to self, -----to a free-falling trust into the Ground of all True Love ----------who comes to us in the vulnerability of a little baby ----------and in the sorrow of shattered body, ---------------naked and bleeding, --------------------on a cross. No one lives this Love apart from transformation. wme

Marriage as Survival, Enrichment, and/or Formation

Every one knows the statistics: Half of all marriages end in divorce. Conclusion: Marriage is hard (Yes, I needed a Ph.D. to figure this out). Therapists basically know what happens when marriage fails. We know that some couples have no business getting married in the first place. We know that some couples do not have the resources or maturity to handle the inevitable stresses and strains of marriage when they arise. We know that some couples could, but are unwilling to do the work that marriage requires. John Gottman is probably the only marriage researcher out there who has developed anything approaching a scientific model for studying marriages, and he concludes that marriages fail because, when stress hits, friendship erodes and is replaced by either apathy or, worse, contempt. Many therapists have developed models for how to think about the erosion of this friendship (mine can be seen by clicking Alienation Cycle), but having a model and having a solution are two completely different things! Nonetheless, models DO generate ideas about how and when and where to intervene in this alienation cycle. Lately, the following idea has taken shape in my mind, and seems to have been of some help to the clients I've started discussing it with. I'd summarize it like this:

Most marriages in America fail because couples are

unable or unwilling to shift from a survival or enrichment

view of marriage to a formation view of marriage.

In my previous entry I described three core values that shape life: survival, enrichment, and/or formation. I also said that I believe a person's life will be fundamentally shaped by which of these three values he or she chooses to place at the center.

When I take this idea and apply it to marriage, I come up with three core reasons to be in a committed relationship:

1. Marriage as Survival - I marry in order to survive.
2. Marriage as Enrichment - I marry in order to be happy.
3. Marriage as Formation - I marry in order to mature.

I'll be using my next three entries to say a bit more about each of these.

Survival, Enrichment, and Formation

A few more ideas on how we develop into mature humans have been taking shape for me.... Its generally accepted that we develop in all areas of life. All this means is that we do not start out growed up. Certain things have to happen for us to get there. It is also generally accepted that a part of development is natural, which is to say that it sort of occurs on its own. For example, once a baby is born, the brain starts to develop so that, over time, a child is able to learn language, math, etc... The other part of development, however, is what I would refer to as intentional. By this I mean that there are certain choices that a person has to intentionally make if he is going to mature. For example, a person must decide if she is going to pursue professional goals by stepping on whomever gets in her way, or if she is going to pursue success while taking into consideration the needs of those around her. This is a choice. Recently is has become clearer to me that individuals must choose whether or not they are going to live according to one of these three core values: - survival: My goal is to keep myself alive. - enrichment: My goal is to be happy. - formation: My goal is to be mature. Everything is ALWAYS a lot more complicated that a few pithy ideas can convey, but I am seeing more clearly that my clients are almost all wrestling with which of these three core values to intentionally choose. There's no question that the ways in which one deals with life will virtually be determined by this choice.