Survival, Enrichment, and Formation

A few more ideas on how we develop into mature humans have been taking shape for me.... Its generally accepted that we develop in all areas of life. All this means is that we do not start out growed up. Certain things have to happen for us to get there. It is also generally accepted that a part of development is natural, which is to say that it sort of occurs on its own. For example, once a baby is born, the brain starts to develop so that, over time, a child is able to learn language, math, etc... The other part of development, however, is what I would refer to as intentional. By this I mean that there are certain choices that a person has to intentionally make if he is going to mature. For example, a person must decide if she is going to pursue professional goals by stepping on whomever gets in her way, or if she is going to pursue success while taking into consideration the needs of those around her. This is a choice. Recently is has become clearer to me that individuals must choose whether or not they are going to live according to one of these three core values: - survival: My goal is to keep myself alive. - enrichment: My goal is to be happy. - formation: My goal is to be mature. Everything is ALWAYS a lot more complicated that a few pithy ideas can convey, but I am seeing more clearly that my clients are almost all wrestling with which of these three core values to intentionally choose. There's no question that the ways in which one deals with life will virtually be determined by this choice.

Ethics and Anxiety

I've been asked to teach an ethics seminar in the Spring to our local chapter of the Texas Counseling Association. The subject of ethics generally annoys me. I realize this could be due to my own lack of ethics, but I actually think its more because I believe that the whole subject of ethics within professional organizations has been highjacked by anxiety.

For myself, ethical behavior is to be defined by two broad principles.

1. I must never use the natural power differential in my relationship to a client for personal advantage.
2. An effective therapy relationship is redemptive for the client.

These principals, like all principals, require that the clinician be quite mature and exercise careful judgment. However, as Jesus pointed out on more than a few occasions, we humans don't like principals. They make us anxious. We prefer rules. Rules are much safer.

So, ethics boards, at least therapy ethics boards come up with rules like, "No dual relationships." This means that I'm not supposed to be a therapist for, say, my proctologist. The fear is that I, as a therapist, MIGHT be tempted to parlay my special relationship with this good doctor into a FREE PROCTOLOGY EXAM!

Now, there's no doubt that clinicians have fallen prey to such temptations. I suspect that its been more common for a clinician to get an extra good deal from a client who is a car salesman that from said medical expert, but you get my point.

Well, this sort of stuff makes ethics boards anxious, and so rules are produced... like...

• Since there are a few idiotic and unethical clinicians among us who abuse client relationships, we're going to decide that all of you don't have enough sense to use good judgement.

Because I DO happen to be a reactive, narcsissitic maverick who tends to think that rules are for everyone else, I figure I need to see if there is hard research other there that actually speaks to the validity of the sort of ethics dictums that are common. I've done some initial research on my own. I can't find anything.

So, if you know of research - good scientific method type research - related to these concerns, would you please make note of that in the comments section?

Redemptive Confrontation

Two friends have "confronted" me concerning something I had written that they both found troubling and offensive. They each took the risk of being very direct and honest with me about it. In considering what they had to say, I had to conclude they were right.

I draw attention to it here because it seems so rare that people are willing to express love in this way. So often we use the excuse of not wanting to offend to justify a lack of full honesty. When we do so, we put a lid on the potential for that relationship.

Of course, sometimes I have been confronted over an issue, and I've disagreed with the person's point of view. This situation challenges the relationship in an additional way, but also offers an additional avenue to intimacy. At times like that, I try to say something like, "I'm so grateful that you've brought this up with me, but, if I'm honest, I've got to say that I think you are wrong on this one. But I also want to make sure I'm understanding you right..."

Redemptive confrontation can be so hard to develop, but its one of the best ways to assess who your best friends are, or determine the health of your marriage. Any relationshp that can handle RD, is a good relationship.

And to the friends who spawned these thoughts.... Thank you again.

A few resources that might interest you...

The Precarious Present is a fascinating article on trauma by Dr. Robert Scaer MoodGYM is a free online program to help persons address depression and anxiety by identifying and changing negative thinking patterns. MoodGym is based on the priciples of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Unconditional Love is an episode of This American Life. The bi-line for this program is: "Stories of unconditional love between parents and children, and how hard love can sometimes be in daily practice"

50 Things Project: Ready for Field Testing

You still with me?

DOWNLOAD A PDF COPY OF THE INVENTORY HERE.

TAKES ABOUT AN HOUR: Holly and I sat down and went through the inventory. It took us about 15 minutes to take it, and then we spent another 35 or 40 minutes going over it (which involved a lot of laughter and comments like, "Oh my gosh.... I didn't even THINK of that!!!") She scored 117 on what she knows about me. I scored 109 on what I know about her. This gave us a total score of 226.

ARE THERE 50+ COUPLES OUT THERE WHO WILL TAKE IT? I'm thinking that if at least 50 couples will go through this and let me know their scores, then I'll know... I'll know... heck... I don't know what I'll know. But I'm pretty sure I'll be able to tell something. Would you please forward this to other couples whom you think might get a kick out of it?

IF YOU'RE WILLING TO KEEP PLAYING IN THIS SANDBOX, HERE'S WHAT I NEED FOR YOU TO DO:

1. Download and print two copies of the inventory (one for you and one for your spouse or significant other.
2. Fill it out and score it.
3. Report your scores in the comment section of this blog (PLEASE NOTE: I've changed my settings so You don't have to have a google account to leave comments, and you can leave comment anonymously.)
4. If you are willing, would you also rate your marital satisfaction on a scale of 1 to 10? (1 = I'd rather be force-fed twinkies than spend another day with this person . 10 = Heaven couldn't possibly be better than my marriage)
5. Leave any comments and suggestions regarding what it was like to actually take the inventory.

Here's how to report in order to make it most useful to me:

• His score = 110
• Her score = 127
• Total score = 237
• Marital Satisfaction = 7
• Comments: Sometimes we had to admit that the other's answer was more right about us than what we thought about ourselves (and we gave 3 points for the answer). Sometimes we had trouble coming up with the correct answer about ourselves.

Thanks for hanging in with me on this!

P.S. Them danged flowers are back... why doesn't the outline/bullets feature work? Its shows up correctly when I'm writing....

50 Things You Should Know about Your Spouse: Next Step

I'M SURPRISED! I GOT TONS OF SUGGESTIONS. THANK YOU SO MUCH! This "inventory" has been developed by ignoring virtually all rules regarding proper scientific research and methodology. In other words, I got all your great suggestions, picked the ones I really liked, and dumped the others. However, I don't mean to suggest that I had no semi-objective criteria. I wanted questions that would be simple to answer with a word or phrase, and that could at be generally seen as some indicator of how well a person knows his or her spouse. A perfect example is: "What is your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream?" I wouldn't want to suggest that some of you had a little bit of trouble catching this wave, but, for example, the following question really didn't fit: Can you name your spouse's three favorite existential theologians (other an Kierkegaard) and briefly describe each one's key contribution to your spouse's world view? My current list is below, and its still got two questions too many on it. If you would, could you please click on the "Comment" link below and tell me which two you'd discard? I'm also willing for you to make the case for some question you suggested that didn't make the cut (but odds are I'm too insecure to actually admit that you are right and I made a mistake.) I want to note that several of you made reference to the Chapman's Five Love Languages stuff, but I didn't include any of those since many people would not be familiar with that material. Here's da list.... 1. What is your spouse's social security number? 2. In what city was your spouse born? 3. What is your spouse's blood type? 4. What does your spouse feel is his or her greatest personal strength? 5. What is your spouse’s favorite food or meal? 6. What is his/her favorite dessert? 7. What's your spouse's typical position for sleep (left side, right side, back)? 8. What is your spouse’s favorite pastime activity or favorite hobby? 9. If your spouse had the job of his/her dreams, what would it be? 10. Where is your spouse’s favorite vacation spot? 11. What is your spouse’s political affiliation? 12. What was your spouse’s favorite childhood pet? 13. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in high school? 14. How many times per month would your spouse like to have sex? 15. What make & model, and color was your spouse’s first car? 16. What was your spouse’s first job? 17. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in college? 18. What is your spouse's mother's maiden name? 19. What is your spouse's all-time favorite film? 20. What would your spouse say is your most annoying habit? 21. If your spouse could be any celebrity, who would he or she want to be? 22. If your spouse could simply wake-up in any part of the world and enjoy a week of exploring, what location would it be (travel cost and time being no object)? 23. Who is your spouse's current best friend? 24. What is your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream? 25. What is your spouse's shoe size? 26. What is your spouse's waist size? 27. What is your spouse's favorite restaurant? 28. Who is your spouse's favorite musician at the moment? 29. What are your spouse's parents full names? 30. If your spouse could change professions, what would he/she choose (money being no object)? 31. What household chore does your spouse most despise? 32. What is your spouses cell phone number? 33. How many bones has your spouse broken? 34. Does your spouse have tonsils? 35. How many jobs has your spouse had since graduation from college? 36. Has your spouse ever had a nickname? If so, what was/is it? 37. To which of your spouse's family members is he/she closest? 38. What "hurt" from the past has your spouse struggled most to overcome? 39. Does your spouse prefer the toilet paper unroll from the top, or the bottom? 40. How many children did your spouse want to have when you got married? 41. How would my spouse most wish to spend time as a family? 42. What book is your spouse currently reading? 43. What is your spouse’s favorite way to wind down after a stressful day? 44. How much money does your spouse need to have in savings to feel financially responsible? 45. What is your partner's favorite pizza topping? 46. What day of the week did you meet your spouse? 47. What single word would your spouse use to describe you? 48. What perfume/scent does your spouse like YOU to use? 49. What is your spouse's favorite movie? 50. What is your spouse's favorite sexual position? 51. How long would your spouse say "foreplay" should last? (answer in minutes, not seconds). 52. What, if any, musical instrument(s) has your spouse played?

THE 50 Things "You Should Know about Your Spouse" PROJECT

One of the ways I keep myself in a chronic state of low grade anxiety is by keeping a number of half-baked ideas on the back burner (odd metaphor mix?). These ideas are spread all over my computer hard-drive, and when I come across them I think, "I gotta do something with that!" followed immediately by, "I don't have time to do anything with that!" You know the drill. However, it dawned on me that you might be able to help me with this one... I've always thought it would be interesting to have a list of, say, 50 questions that a spouse ought to be able to answer about his or her partner if they know each other well. Anyone who does marriage counseling can tell you that couples who are not doing well often complain of not being "seen" or "known" by their spouses. I've wondered if it would be possible to establish a correlation between satisfaction in marriage and one's basic info about one's spouse (HINT HINT... Anyone looking for a Master's thesis topic?). For now, I'm just trying to build said list of questions. The following list comes mostly from me, with additions by some friends. But I need your help with it. My idea of a great question is one that is very simple to answer in a word or two (What is your spouses's favorite color? What was the name of your spouse's most significant relationship prior to you?) Some of the questions on this list don't fit that criteria. WOULD YOU SEND ME YOUR IDEAS???? Just email them to me at wmeades@gmail.com, or post them in the comments section of the blog. Also, if you have a sick sense of humor, like me, then you might want to send along some questions that you think would go well on the "Items that didn't make it" list (i.e., What is your spouses favorite prison? How many DWIs has your spouse beaten? ) Here's the list as it currently stands:

1. What is your spouse's social security number?
2. In what city was your spouse born?
3. What is your spouse's blood type?
4. What does your spouse feel is his or her greatest personal strength?
5. What is your spouse's earliest childhood memory?
6. Which celebrity does your spouse find most attractive?
7. What was the most meaningful gift your spouse ever received?
8. What is the most outrageous, out of character thing your spouse has ever done?
9. What food does your spouse absolutely hate?
10. What is your spouse’s favorite food or meal?
11. What is his/her favorite dessert?
12. What's your spouse's typical position for sleep (left side, right side, back)?
13. What is your spouse’s favorite pastime activity or favorite hobby?
14. If your spouse had the job of his/her dreams, what would it be?
15. Where is your spouse’s favorite vacation spot?
16. What is your spouse’s political affiliation?
17. What is your spouse’s primary task at his or her job?
18. Which sock does your spouse put on first?
19. Would your spouse say he/she is more like his/her mother or his/her father?
20. What was your spouse’s favorite childhood pet?
21. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in high school?
22. Does/Did your spouse have any odd or funny nicknames?
23. What dates does your spouse remember best?
24. How many times per month would your spouse like to have sex?
25. What make & model was your spouse’s first car?
26. What color was your spouse’s first car?
27. What was your spouse’s first job?
28. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in college?
29. What is your spouse's mother's maiden name?
30. What is your spouse's most enjoyable vacation activity?
31. What colleges did your spouse apply to other than the one he/she attended?
32. What is your spouse's most disturbing recurring dream (or nightmare)?
33. What is your spouse's all-time favorite film?
34. What is your spouse's most decadent fantasy?
35. What part of your spouse's body who he or she say is the his/her most attractive feature?
36. What is the one thing that your spouse does that annoys you the most?
37. Could your spouse deal with it if all you could do was cuddle?
38. How would your spouse describe his or her most pressing sexual frustration?
39. What is your spouse's most attainable secret desire or goal?
40. If your spouse could be any celebrity, who would he or she want to be?
41. If your spouse could simply wake-up in any part of the world and enjoy a week of exploring, what location would it be (travel cost and time being no object)?

CAN YOU HELP ME WITH A FEW MORE? I'll post the results right here...

P.S. Can anyone explain why, when I publish this post, that the numbers on the list are replaced by them little flowers?