New Posts on Marriage at WordPress

I've just updated my WordPress blog with Leave Your Spouse While You are Still in Love - Part 2. This is the latest in a series:

1. Marriage as Survival, Enrichment, or Formation
2. Marriage as Survival: I marry in order to stay alive.
3. Marriage as Enrichment: I marry in order to be happy.
4. Marriage as Formation: I marry in order to grow up.
5. Leave Your Spouse While You are Still in Love - Part 1

I always appreciate your feedback (and please leave it at the WordPress site or email to me at wmeades@gmail.com)

Leave Your Spouse While You're Still in Love

I've published Leave Your Spouse While You're Still in Love on my WordPress Blog. This will be my last post here on the Blogger. I've found WordPress to be much easier to work with. If you want to receive an email notice when I publish a new post at WordPress, then please click here: Subscribe to Practical Spirituality by Email You'll be directed to a page where you can enter your email address. You'll then receive a confirmation email containing a link which will allow you to activate your WordPress Subscription. Thanks so much for keeping up with me! Wes

Ready to give up on blogger

I formatted this latest post very carefully, and it still came out all run together when I published it. If anyone can tell me what I'm doing wrong, then I'll welcome the advice... In the meantime, a properly formatted version can be seen in WordPress at: http://practicalspirituality.wordpress.com/ Wes

Responses to "Marriage as Formation"

Greetings from beautiful Leakey, Texas, a tiny burg that lies along the Frio River. My family has been spending the week of the fourth with a passle of friends from Austin for nearly 15 years! I received more comments on my last blog entry, Marriage as Formation, than on anything I've written so far. Some of the comments were left on the blog. Some were sent to me via email. Here are a few additional thoughts aimed at addressing some of the questions you raised. What does it means to be "fully human?" There are a million opinions regarding how to answer this question, all built upon whatever philosophical and/or theological perspectives a person prefers. It is very difficult to move beyond what we think or wish were true to a perspective that is grounded in some sort of objective reality. Without going into all the detail, based on my readings in various disciplines, I now operate on the premise that human beings operate most "naturally" out of our animal nature, which is survival oriented. As E.O. Wilson says,"[The] brain is a machine assembled not understand itself, but to survive." (Conscilience, 1998, p. 96) Becoming fully human requires the conscious choice to place sacrificial love above survival as the driving ethic of life, which is also a central message of Christianity. Marriage is one of the most intense arenas in which this challenge takes on flesh. Sacrificial Love is not the same thing as "giving up." Several of you mentioned situations in which you, or people you know, had simple settled in to "dead" marriages "for the sake of the children." You said that this seems like a couple is making a sacrificial choice for the sake of the kids. Nothing could be further than what I mean when I talk about sacrificial love. A person committed to a marriage based on sacrificial love would never let a spouse get away with sliding into such a state. This person would look for every avenue to confront, challenge, and cajole the partner to be true to the wedding vows. To use the kids as an excuse to settle for a dead relationship is the very anti-thesis of both psychological and spiritual maturity. I know these are strong statements. But I am very graceful towards all those people who have truly fought for the ideal, and yet found themselves with a spouse who is equally creative in stonewalling and avoiding. Sacrificial Love versus Codependency A couple of you described important ways in which you give your Self and time to community service, and asked if these acts of service were not acts of sacrificial love. I think not, at least in most situations. Most people give significant time to community service because of what they get out of it. This is the definition of codependency. Codependent behavior is any behavior I engage in to meet my personal needs under the guise of meeting someone else's need. Personally, I think codependency has gotten a bump wrap. It can be very positive, so long as one is honest about it. For example, I try to give blood every 8 weeks. I enjoy the way I feel about myself for doing it. I enjoy the positive reactions I get from other people on the rare occasions that it comes up in conversation for some reason. But I'd never delude myself into thinking that there's anything sacrificial about it.... Besides, let's be honest here... a fair amount of what we give of ourselves "out there" serves to keep us disconnected from where the real action should be focused... at home. Sacrificial Love is not about "Quid-pro-Quo." You've brought up how frustrating is to give and give, and never get back. Of course, when we give with an expectation of getting back, then we've already jumped off the S.L. train. Quid-pro-Quo is always a part of a good marriage. There's always an element of "I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine," but the failure of QpQ is a good indication that something of a more serious nature has already been eroding the relationship. Once it dawns on you that you are getting angry because QpQ is leaving you feeling like a doormat, its time for the really scary stuff to start. This where a person has to decide if he or she has the guts to say something like:

• "I've been feeling more and more like you have chosen not to live up to our marriage vows. Your actions lead me to the conclusion that you do not respect me. I'm not willing to leave our marriage, but I'm also not willing to sit back and expect so little of you. You are capable of so much more, and I can hardly claim to love you and not expect your best. So, this is fair warning. I'm getting ready to love you in some really difficult ways unless you make some different choices about how to be in this marriage."

I know... it sounds good on paper...

Marriage as Formation

I've started also publishing this blog on WordPress (Practical Spirituality on WordPress). I'm trying to compare both the ease of use and the aesthetics for the reader. Please shoot me a note at wmeades@gmail.com if you have an opinion on which is better.

Marriage as Formation

"I marry in order to mature." .

In previous blog entries I've suggested that people marry for different reasons (duh) and that it can be helpful to understand how each of three core reasons might be effecting your marriage. In Marriage as Survival I point out that for most of human history people married to simply increase their chances of staying alive in a harsh world. I also note that although physical survival may not be an issue for most people in the USA, ego survival can be. In Marriage as Enrichment I contend that as people begin to overcome survival issues their attention moves to finding personal happiness. I'm defining the words "enrichment" and "happiness" in rather narcissistic terms here, meaning that this approach to to marriage is all about ME and what I get. . The formation model of marriage begins with the assumption that the purpose of my marriage is to confront me with my immaturities and weaknesses within a context of love and support. The goal is for my spouse and me to push each other to overcome limits on the way to becoming fully human. (While reading this sentence the movie Remember the Titans came to mind. The co-captains of the football team, one black and the other white, push through their conflicts with each other and their team mates as they demand what is best for the entire team.).

Of course, I realize that when I begin to toss phrases like "fully human" around, I'm just asking for trouble. The subject of what it means to be human will always be up for debate, and since I can't even get my wife to accept the possibility that I might always be right, I've had to get used to the fact that not everyone is going to agree with my definitions. Nonetheless, here's what fully human means to me:

Fully human means that I've transformed my anxiety and selfishness into the sacrificial love of others.

.

I believe this definition is consistent with the most mature expressions of Christianity, as well as of all major religious traditions. These traditions all generally agree that none of us ever gets there. We just each have to decide if we're going to be on the journey.

Now, I often say to my clients things like, "Its a lot easier for me to describe what the proper path looks like than it is for me to actually walk that path!" Here's a made-up example that tries to get at the difficulties.

Susan loves the outdoors. She loves to work up a good sweat hiking along the trail to Lookout Point. Some of her holiest moments have occurred while gazing out over the river. She can't understand why anyone would choose to sit still, under a roof, when God's creation is here for the exploring.

Bob loves books. He rises early, makes his coffee, settles in to his favorite chair, and opens Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love. He's on his seventh trip through Nouwen's journal, and it still has the power stir him. He would swear that God reaches straight through the words on those pages and in to his soul.

Bob and Susan are married. .....Bob hates to sweat. ..........Susan hates to read.

Susan so wants Bob to hike with her. .....Bob so wants Susan to discuss Nouwen with him.

If Bob is maturing, he'll overcome his aversion to sweat and let Susan lead him out in to creation. If he's not maturing, he'll think things like, "I don't like to hike, so why should I?"

If Susan is maturing, she'll sit still while Bob reads to her a favorite paragraph from Nouwen. If she's not maturing, she'll think things like, "I don't like to sit and discuss, so why should I?"

Now keep in mind, Bob is not asking Susan to frequent strip clubs with him. And Susan isn't pestering Bob to take a risk and do some mushrooms with her. Each is asking the other to participate in something that we'd all agree is positive.

So why do you suppose they resist each other? .....So why do you suppose you resist your spouse?

Please offer your thoughts in the comments section below (and remember that you can use the "anonymous" option....)

Marriage as Enrichment

Formatting issues abound in Blogger - line spacing issues... weird font size changes, etc.... I've looked into other blogging platforms, and concluded that Blogger has about the same number of issues as the others. If there are any experts out there who have figured out how to minimize the formatting problems with Blogger, I'll be grateful for any advice.

____________________________

This entry is part of a series: Part one: Marriage as Survival, Enrichment, and/or Formation Part two: Marriage as Survival: I marry in order to stay alive.

Marriage as Personal Enrichment:

"I marry in order to be happier."

Most couples in America marry because they've found someone with whom they feel happy. We look down on anyone who might marry for practical reasons - security... status... beach house. The ideal is romance... and great sex.... lots of romance... and lots of great... you know.

There's nothing wrong with expecting a bit of happiness to infect one's marriage. We're designed to avoid abject misery if we can, and so it takes at least a few positive expectations to get us entangled in the whole mess in the first place. The problem occurs when we actually start to believe that happiness is the raison de plus of marriage (see Note 1).

As I noted in an earlier blog entry, there WAS a time when life, and therefore marriage, was all about survival. But with a certain amount of affluence these expectations change. Not since the Great Depression have Americans had to cope with survival issues en-masse. The second world war required a certain amount of sacrifice, but those of us born on the other side of that conflict have enjoyed an amazing level of affluence across the social spectrum. (see Note 2)

Since we don't have to worry about about survival, we worry about personal enrichment (see Note 3). And the All-American strategy for enrichment is consumption. (Is it just me, or are more and more commercials including some take on, "Buy our product so you can get the happiness you deserve.").

Happiness and consumption go together. I purchase a bike. If the bike works for me, then I'm happy. If it doesn't work for me, then I'm unhappy. I get another bike. If I can't afford to get another bike, then I'm REALLY unhappy.

I submit that the consumption = happiness paradigm infects marriage - usually in rather subconscious and sinister ways.

We marry someone with whom we feel happy, and we start consuming together... so we can feel... well... more happy. We choose a house to purchase because the house makes up happy. We have children because having children makes us happy. We even choose which religious groups to associate with based on how happy these groups "make" us. If I'm not happy, then I'm entitled to move on.

Of course, its just a matter of time until I discover that what makes ME happy isn't always exactly what makes my SPOUSE happy. I was a bit ambivalent about even having children when I got married. I think it was the week before the marriage that I discovered Holly's idea of happy was 14 children, 6 dogs, 4 cats, and a sugar-glider (we can discuss pre-marriage counseling in another blog...).

For marriage to work qqqqq I have to make adjustments.

qqqqqqqqqq I don't like to make adjustments.

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqq Adjustments make me.... unhappy

Marriage moves from being a source of personal enrichment... something that makes me happy, to something of a chore.

When the enrichment goals of marriage breakdown, couples do one of three things:

1. They divorce.
2. They settle in to a pseudo-marriage in which they turn away from the marriage for happiness.
3. They commit to a formation paradigm. (Sometimes referred to as "putting on one's big-boy pants.)

The formation model of marriage begins with the assumption that the purpose of my marriage is to confront me with my immaturities and weaknesses within a context of love and support. The goal is for my spouse and me to push each other to overcome limits on the way to becoming fully human, and for me to push my spouse towards the same.

I've come to believe that marriages fail because couples are unwilling or unable to move beyond an enrichment view of marriage to the formation view of marriage.

More about the formation approach to marriage in the next entry....

Questions for Reflection:

1. Do you ever feel as if your marriage is "consuming" you? Does your spouse ever express such sentiments?
2. How did you see the pursuit of personal enrichment effecting your parent's marriage?
3. What's the greatest sacrifice you've had to make for your marriage? Did it seem more like a choice, or more like an expectation?

_______________________ Note 1: raison de plus is French for "now somebody else will pick up my dirty clothes."

Note 2: Physical survival is an issue for some couples and families in our culture, but this is rarely true for couples who show up in a counselors office. Couples may feel like their survival is threatened, but this is often due to the avalanche of debt they have accumulated while acting out their sense of entitlement to have all the things they believe will make them happy. (I'm not talking about folks here who are dealing with horrendous debt due to medical issues or other sorts of unexpected difficulties. I believe there's plenty of evidence that, for most couples, self-inflicted financial stress is the main source of most of the discontent in the marriage).

Note 3: Some have commented that my use of the word "enrichment" here is a bit confusing... that desiring enrichment would seem to be a mature trait, while simply seeking happiness is rather immature (unless one is a committed hedonist). For now, though, I'm going to stick with this language, though I've added the modifier "personal" to underscore the self-centered nature of what I'm describing.

A Very Good Program on Depression from PBS

Depression: Out of the Shadows

PBS has recently begun airing this very good program on the complex subject of depression. We are invited into some personal, painful stories, but also introduced to the latest treatments. The program can be viewed online at the PBS website. Please forward this information to anyone you know who has been touched by this illness.

Also, if you have seen the program, I would appreciate hearing from you through the comments section of this blog. I'd like to know what parts of the program most resonate with your own experience, and I'd like to know what treatment approaches have been most helpful to you or to those you know who have recovered or are recovering from depression. Wes